a failed kidnapping but with DOLPHINS 🐬🐬🐬
TLDR: as a general rule you shouldn't kidnap anyone bc they might be a god, turn into a lion, flood your boat with wine, turn you into a dolphin and it becomes a whole thing 🍇
WE ARE SO BACK. I have submitted my masters thesis (!!) and crawled out of my cave to rejoin the land of the living 🤠 It is an ongoing process - my brain is still pretty fried but this myth kept making me laugh and I was very much inspired by
’s latest newsletter about how the Romans were scared of dolphins which you can read here: Don’t Look Now, But There’s an Ancient Roman Depiction of a Dolphin Under Your Bed.For more general updates (including maybe the highlight of my year when I was a guest on Liv’s Let’s Talk About Myths Baby podcast and an upcoming event in London that you are absolutely invited to) scroll to the end and I’ll whack it all there. If you want to learn more about the aquatic shenanigans of everyone’s favourite MENACE of a god Dionysus and one of the most ABSURD punishments in all of Greek mythology, stay right here.
This story comes from the Homeric Hymns, a rather lush collection of poetry dating back to roughly the 7th or 6th century BCE, which are called the Homeric Hymns because they are written in the same dialect and meter as the Iliad and the Odyssey. Hymn number SEVEN is the hymn to Dionysus, the god of wine, theatre, and transformation (there are actually several hymns to him because the Greeks were quite big fans of his work) and it tells the story of a bunch of sailors that fumble a kidnapping rather spectacularly.
Now these sailors are *somewhat* minding their own business - they do kidnap someone so this claim is flimsy at best - but they certainly do NOT sign up for what goes down.
Dionysus has stepped out onto the shore looking gorgeous - his locks are flowing, his cape is billowing, it’s all just WORKING. These sailors spot this absolute slice and, assuming that he’s some sort of prince distantly relatedly to Zeus, they decide to kidnap him. I mean, even if he was only distantly related to the king of the gods, the sky, thunderbolts, sexual harassment, etc., this still feels like a bold move.
They TRY and restrain Dionysus to no avail (Dionysus just sits there smiling - whether the look on his face would’ve been 🥵 or alarming/kinda creepy remains open to interpretation). One sailor smartens up and freaks out, realising that this is probably not Zeus’s second cousin four times removed and begs his fellow sailors to release him. His captain tells him off, offering a fine ancient example of gaslighting, calling him crazy and shouting something about needing help with the mast or the sails (It’s giving Laocoon ❤️🩹 iykyk and if you don’t I will gladly devote my next newsletter to this myth - it’s a real tear-jerker and there’s this SCULPTURE).
As the crew faff about with the mast and sails, WINE starts to come from the ocean and flood the ship - the hymn specifies that it is fragrant and sweet-tasting so idk if we are to assume that their first response was to try and drink it. Then VINES start growing across the mast and sails, flowering with juicy-looking berries and plump grapes. This actually does start freaking everyone out so they try and get their ship back to land to fling Dionysus back on the beach but, you guessed it, IT’S TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.
Dionysus, calm and proportionate as the gods famously are, turns into a LION and, if that wasn’t enough, magically makes a BEAR appear on the boat?? So there’s wine swirling around, vines everywhere, a lion roaring crankily and an actual BEAR. The lion/Dionysus promptly eats the captain and the rest of the sailors jump into the ocean to escape. As they doggy paddle away (I can only assume the bear was somehow still involved, maybe hanging from the mast grumbling in their direction but I will admit this is not in the hymn) Dionysus, the god of many things including transformation, turns them all into dolphins.
Dionysus does take pity on the fellow who tried to call the whole thing off, giving him the highest blessings and sending him on his way, so there’s a sliver of hope available i.e. if you realise you’ve absolutely cooked it and do an immediate 180 you may not get turned into a dolphin.
This INCREDIBLE kylix, aptly called the Dionysus cup, provides some gorgeous artistic evidence of the myth - we’ve got the vines, the grapes, the dolphins, but, I have to ask, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BEAR?
This story also hints at some larger ✨ thematic ✨ concerns that we find in the mythology of Dionysus - Zeus was his dad but his mum was Semele, a mortal woman, so there’s a whole bunch of drama around whether he’s a “real” god. There are MANY myths where Dionysus rolls up and causes absolute HAVOC to prove that he is 100% a god (this takes us straight to the plot of Euripides’ Bacchae, a fabulous/unhinged story that was the focus of my thesis - I will return to it when it no longer haunts my dreams).
I think this myth looms large in my mind because of its sheer absurdity. And this gorgeous kylix. And because I love the idea that so much of his mythology is just Dionysus stomping his foot and saying that he IS a real god. And there’s a bear on a boat.
I may do a whole series of newsletters on the Homeric Hymns because they are gorgeous/chaotic but this brings me to my FIRST announcement - now that my masters is over and my brain is freeeeee I am very keen to bring back more regular newsletters, quizzes, etc. but what I am MOST excited about is opening this up to fellow writers/classicists/historians/enthusiasts. I am officially taking submissions for articles anywhere between 1000-4000 words (fun pics and chaotic tangents are encouraged). You will also be PAID 🤑🤑🤑🤑 - I’m yet to lock in the specifics i.e. would you get paid per word or per article but ballpark between £50-100 is what I’m thinking. We can negotiate but the main thing is so many early stage academics PAY to write and PAY to get published so let’s flip that around because it seems wildly illogical and unfair. I’ve been chatting with a handful of people who are keen to get involved so if this appeals to you in any way, shape, or form please hit me up - you can email my via the contact form on my website or message me on Instagram, TikTok, or right here on Substack.
I cannot wait for this to become a collaborative, community-based space where we can all learn and squeal together. To be clear this is not just for academics, this is open to EVERYONE. If you’ve got an idea, a rant, a ridiculously niche area of interest, if you’re excited about a new archaeological discovery or if you want to shamelessly promote your own book COME ON THROUGH.
My second announcement falls into the shameless promotion category: I was beyond honoured to be a guest on the one and only Let’s Talk About Myths Baby podcast. Liv described it as the RACIEST episode she has ever recorded 💦 We cover an almost-concerning number of topics (I swear my ADHD fed off of hers and vice versa), including Charybdis, fear of the female in mythology, Euripides, the complexities within the historical record and, my fave, SMUTTY POTS.
Give it a listen here (or wherever you get your podcasts):
Conversations: Charybdis, a Gaping, Hungry Hole; Fear of the Monstrous Woman with Cosi Carnegie
My third and final announcement is for you Londoners - you are officially invited to The British Academy Summer Showcase (!!). Taking place on Friday evening and all day Saturday (12th-13th of July) at the British Academy, it’s going to be a fabulous/fascinating festival of ideas 🤩 I’m helping out at A Time-Traveller’s Odyssey: Exploring sacred journeys through archaeology and science, a workshop run by Dr Tulsi Parikh and Dr Carlotta Gardner of the British School at Athens 🏛️ You get to make figurines and put them in a little sanctuary?? There will also be microscopes?? Swing by and say hi! You can register (for free!) here:
www.thebritishacademy.ac.uk/events/british-academy-summer-showcase-2024/
merry Friday + have a lush weekend 🐬🍇
xxx
Welcome back and congratulations. Off to listen about smutty pots.
I'm looking forward to reading more. Julia