SEXIST SEMONIDES AND HIS TEN TYPES OF WOMEN. (Andrew Tate take notes).

For the greatest plague that Zeus has created is this — women.

content warning: misogyny (oh so MUCH misogyny).

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I recently discovered this poem by Semonides when I was researching ancient symposia (saucy banquets) and my god it had me on the FLOOR. I was gobsmacked that I hadn’t come across it before but of course upon reading the positively ACIDIC content I can understand why academics aren’t super keen to chit chat about it at length. Saying it reeks of misogyny just feels like the most useless statement, it contains some of the wildest woman-hating lines of poetry I have ever come across (it’s like the scariest subreddit I could conceive of. But that’s probably because I’m scared of reddit). Sure, we can be offended, we can be in UPROAR, but at least he was creative with his invective?? And he goes into so much DETAIL. It feels like astrology or something??

I thought about whacking the historical background here as an intro but f*ck it, let’s dive right in.

The FIRST type Semonides lists is the PIG-WOMAN.

“One woman he created from a long-bristled sow. Throughout her house everything lies in disorder, befouled with mud, and rolls about on the floor, and she herself unwashed, in clothes unwashed, sits in the dung and grows fat.”

Honestly, she looks stunning, and I’m a little jealous of the whole mud bath situation.

Next UP we have the FOX WOMAN aka the VIXEN (did you know a vixen was a female fox? I did not.)

“Another the god made from a wicked vixen, a woman who has expertise in everything. Nothing of what is bad escapes her notice, nor even of what is good, since she often calls the latter bad and the former good. Her mood is different at different times.”

like what about this is NOT a mood. sign me up for a changeful know-it-all pls. Also women are allowed to have varying moods (I would LOVE to see a single cis man go through ONE menstrual cycle).

For number 3, Semonides presents us with the DOG WOMAN, or, the BITCH.

“Another is from a bitch, ill-tempered, her mother all over again. She wants to hear everything and to know everything and peering and prowling everywhere she yaps even if she sees no one. A man can’t stop her with threats, nor even if in anger he should knock out her teeth with a stone, nor can he by speaking to her soothingly, not even if she happens to be sitting among guests, but she constantly keeps up her yapping which nothing can be done about.”

An unstoppable bitch!! Even in the face of VIOLENCE?

Next we have the EARTH WOMAN (I know it sounds good, but don’t get excited).

“Another the Olympians fashioned from earth and gave her maimed to her man; for such a woman knows neither what is bad nor what is good. The only thing she knows how to do is to eat. And whenever the god sends harsh winter, she shivers and draws her chair nearer the fire.”

Literally an earth goddess who stays warm in winter and loves a full belly - what is your ISSUE?

On to number 5, we have the SEA WOMAN. (Again, not as favourable as you might think).

“Another is from the sea, a woman with a twofold mind. One day she sparkles and is happy. A guest who sees her in the house will praise her… But another day she is unbearable even to look at or come close to; then she rages, unapproachable as a bitch round her pups, implacable and at odds with everyone, friends and enemies alike. Just as the sea often stands without a ripple, harmless, a great joy to sailors, in the season of summer, but often rages, tossed about by the loud-crashing waves, such a woman seems very much like this in temperament.”

This is my favourite description so far. Like imagine this gal at a dinner party - LET’S. F*CKING. GO.

Next up we have the DONKEY WOMAN.

“Another is from an ass that is the object of repeated blows. When forced and berated she with difficulty consents to everything and does acceptable work. But meanwhile all day and all night she eats in an inner room and eats at the hearth. And similarly with regard to lovemaking she accepts any companion who comes along.”

This one does genuinely make me quite sad. But I do love the idea that she is a sexual opportunist.

Now to number 7, the WEASEL.

“Another is from the weasel, a wretched and sorry creature, since there is nothing associated with her that is fair, desirable, pleasing or lovable. She is mad for the bed of love, but she turns the stomach of the man who is at her side. She does much harm to her neighbours by her thieving and she often eats up sacrifices left unburned.”

Weasels are adorable, how dare you. Also quite into the idea of a saucy little thief.

Next up Semonides describes the HORSE WOMAN or the MARE, a woman who irks men with her endless primping yet remains (oh so frustratingly) irresistible.

“Another a dainty, long-maned mare engendered. She pushes servile tasks and trouble onto others, and she wouldn’t touch a millstone, lift a sieve, throw dung out of the house, or sit by the oven since she avoids soot. And she forces a man to be her lover. Twice every day, sometimes three times, she washes the dirt off her and anoints herself with scents, and she always wears her hair combed out and long, shaded with flowers. Such a woman is a beautiful sight to others, but for the man who has her as wife she is a plague, unless he is some tyrant or sceptre bearer whose heart delights in such things.”

Okay so you are mad because she likes self care? And because all your mates are obsessed with her? Cry me a goddamn river.

Okay number 9 is just mean. The MONKEY WOMAN.

“Another is from a monkey. This is absolutely the worst plague that Zeus has given to men. Her face is extremely ugly; such a woman is an object of laughter to everyone as she goes through the town. She is short of neck, moves awkwardly, has no rump, and is all legs. Ah, pity the man who embraces such a plague. She knows every trick and scheme, just like a monkey. Being laughed at doesn’t bother her and she wouldn’t do anyone a good turn, but she has her eyes on and plots every day how she can do the greatest harm possible.”

No rump? Get yourself to a bloody squat rack Semonides and then we’ll talk.

And, FINALLY, number ten, the BEE WOMAN (weirdly this is actually the only good one).

“Another is from the bee. The one who gets her is lucky, since on her alone blame does not settle. Under her management his livelihood flourishes and increases, and she grows old in love with a loving husband, the mother of a handsome and distinguished family. She stands out among all women and a divine grace surrounds her. She takes no pleasure in sitting among women in places where they talk about sex. Such women are the best and the most sensible whom Zeus bestows as a favour on men.”

Buzz BUZZ I guess. (Also, can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that I managed to find a cartoon of a bee with cleaning paraphernalia).

And that makes TEN. If you’ve made it this far I’m almost sorry. But like a bunch of it is harrowing, yes absolutely, but did you not find yourself laughing a tiiiiny bit or, at the very least RELATING to a few of the descriptions? (I think my star sign is ocean, ascendant is pig and my moon is horse).

Now let’s whip through the historical context (it helps soften it like 5%? 3%?).

Semonides wrote Types of Women (or just Women) in the 7th century BCE (many many moons ago but god aren’t the echoes CHILLING). It was a satirical poem, written for the symposium (those saucy banquets I mentioned earlier). Sympotic poetry was essentially meant to be read aloud whilst the wealthiest of men sat around drinking wine and guffawing with each other. (ick). The symposium was not only the perfect place for an intellectual circle-jerk, it was also the PRIME place for the fellas to mess with each other - cue Semonides. You can just imagine them all sitting around saying “well, if my wife is of the sea, yours is a bloody monkey.”

The selection of vices is pretty compelling; in this we actually glimpse a sliver of history, i.e. the fears that were rattling around in the minds of elite greek men in the 7th century BCE. Labour was hugely important, food was scarce, and horny women posed a DIRECT threat to the integrity of the household. All of these concerns are right here in this (UNPLEASANT) poem. But we have to be aware this poem didn’t serve a didactic purpose, and we shouldn’t interpret it like that (essentially, it’s not necessarily that deep). It exists within a specific context, that of the symposium. It was meant to titillate ~ its whole thing is that it was edgy/inappropriate. It’s like filthy standup.

The inclusion of so many domestic animals in Semonides’ characterisation also draws an interesting/harrowing parallel as the function of the domestic sphere depended on both these creatures and women, however unreliable or undesirable said dependence was. Most of these animals also lived in quite close quarters with their human owners (JUST LIKE THE WOMEN). The uneasy nature of this reliance is, I think, at the root of Semonides’ poem. He found a rather ~ colourful ~ way to express mens’ plaintive impotence in the face of all these damn women.

Now this brings us to Semonides’ major literary influence, Hesiod. Semonides took a lovely whack of inspiration from Hesiod’s work (the dude responsible for the SLANDER of our dear, misunderstood Pandora). This reliance on Hesiod (also writing in the 7th century BCE) creates a fun bit of intertextuality which is always fun to imagine at play in the ancient world (literally just the logistics of these texts travelling around the place, let alone interacting with each other, baffles me). Hesiod similarly bemoans male reliance on women (but in a far less fun way).

Now, back to the symposium, where this poem would’ve been read. Semonides is essentially saying that every husband in the room is at the mercy of women, and if they think they aren’t then they’re worse, DELUSIONAL. The tension between the importance of women and their subordinate status in ancient Greece is, frankly, WAY too big a topic to try and tackle in full right now (I have no interest in eating a bowling ball at this time. Also I literally wrote 15k words on this in my undergrad thesis and fully intend to write about it during my masters. And forever afterwards). Read at face value, this poem is brutal. It may not become NICER when paired with the historical context but goddamn is it not at least more thought-provoking?

The whole poem is 118 lines long - the first 94 lines describe the ten types of women (including only ONE that is deemed desirable). Semonides closes out the final lines of his poem by calling in the big guns, referencing none other than HELEN, the woman who was (ahem, UNFAIRLY) blamed for the entire Trojan War.

“For this is the greatest plague that Zeus has created, and he has placed round us in bondage fetters unbreakable, ever since Hades received those who fought on account of a woman.”

As firm a Helen-apologist as you may be, you surely have to appreciate the LYRICISM of these final lines. And now we’re BACK to the face that launched a thousand ships, the woman whose beauty (and resultant kidnapping?) was blamed for a huge war that wiped out thousands upon thousands of Greeks. We will circle back to Helen in a later newsletter (we just don’t have the TIME), but that is, finally, a WRAP.

I’m honestly really curious to hear what you think of this poem, the types of women, the historical context, and this particular newsletter so please message me or leave a comment!

If you, like me, couldn’t help but laugh a little, and were even CURIOUS as to which woman you most aligned with I went ahead and made you a QUIZ that will tell you (a bit unhinged from me but what’s new). Here it is:

According to the wildly misogynistic ancient Greek poet Semonides, which type of woman are you?

The password is vixen. Let me know how you go.

In other news, I have a super fun event coming up next weekend, a Valentine’s Day Classical Collage Workshop on Saturday the 11th of February at 2pm in Fulham, London. If you’re curious about the vibes, my dear friend Erica made a little vlog of my most recent event, a jewellery making workshop, which you can watch here:

Come To Cosi's Jewellery Event With Me (Day In The Life)

It’s super cute. And if you’re keen for collage-making, just reply to this email <3

Thank you for reading !

References:

Semonides. Fragments. trans. by Douglas E. Gerber.

Gerber, Douglas E. “Semonides, Fr. 7.62.” Phoenix 28, no. 2 (1974): 251–53.

Morgan, Teresa. “The Wisdom of Semonides FR. 7.” The Cambridge Classical Journal 51 (2005): 72–85.

Osborne, Robin. “The Use of Abuse: Semonides 7.” Proceedings of the Cambridge Philological Society, no. 47 (2001): 47–64.