THE QUEEN(S) OF LEAVING MEN ON READ
Penelope, Queen of Ithaca, and Queen Elizabeth the First were both masters of rejection, batting away bevies of proposals throughout their reigns (is that too much alliteration?? or just ENOUGH??)
Before we get into the ~ meaty bit ~ of this newsletter I want to fling two things at you very briefly. The FIRST is some fresh news from the world of archaeology (I’m glad I finally caved and waddled over to Twitter bc I’m getting so much more nerdy tea far FASTER. I mean I’ve got no love for Elon but Zuck’s platforms are just falling APART). There was an incredibly sexy discovery in Tuscany of a whole PILE of bronze sculptures that are STUPIDLY(read: erotically) old !!! Like 2000 YEARS. And some of them even have INSCRIPTIONS??
The SECOND is also Twitter related ~ I’ve been teaming up with Erica Stevenson and Hannah Parker to do these weekly mythology chats over on Twitter Spaces (like a live podcast/Clubhouse situation) and this week’s was SUCH a good one. We focused on PROPHECY - so essentially we all complained about Paris, cried about Cassandra, Hannah worked in Alexander the Great, Erica reminisced rather dreamily about Delphi and I started blathering on about Oedipus towards at the end.
NOW into the JUICY bit. First up I have to say this idea has been completely and utterly STOLEN. THIEVED. UNDER THE COVER OF NIGHT. In all seriousness, I was attending a talk at Waterstones where Jennifer Saint and Claire North were being interviewed by Elodie Harper (how’s that for a dream lineup), where Claire North just dropped this parallel so casually it straight up blew my mind.
North was discussing her latest book, Ithaca, which centres around the mythological Greek queen, Penelope, and the piles of men squabbling over her. In a very abstract sense this may sound a tad sexy, or at the very least wildly entertaining, BUT, as North so eloquently writes, the reality is it’s a total shitshow (it goes without saying that North puts it far more elegantly than that but here we are). And THEN, to drive the point HOME, North described the PARALLEL between Penelope AND none other than Queen Elizabeth the First, the famously virginal queen who refused all suitors and had no children. Of course there are a few key differences which I will point out but North’s point regarding the similarity of their situations, being pulled in so many directions, desperate to avoid giving offence but equally determined not to marry, is just FABULOUS.
SO Queen Elizabeth the First, as I’ve said, took no husband and had no kids, remaining as noncommittal as humanly possible whenever she could. She was dealing with, shall we say, overzealous dudes from a young age - after the death of her father, Henry VIII, she was sent to live with her former stepmother, Catherine Parr, and got propositioned by Parr’s new husband, Thomas Seymour (Seymour was found guilty of HELLA treason as a result of this and a bunch of other messy plotting on his end). King Phillip II of Spain also had a crack, no matter that he was previously wed to Queen Elizabeth’s sister, Mary, after Mary’s death he hovered around “grieving” for months, all the while attempting to slide in. Lizzy wasn’t into it and neither was Parliament so binning him wasn’t too much of a nightmare.
Robert Dudley was a bit more of a contender; many historians claim that they were actually both in love, but his wife died under ~ mysterious circumstances ~ and he was tainted as a result, ergo no longer marriage material. They remained close, however, and he went on to become a hella wealthy earl so there’s that. King Eric XIV of Sweden was also rattling around the place, courting the Queen for years, until she eventually wrote him a letter, firmly rejecting him (bring back strongly worded letters in 2022 romances pls). Also, unlike Dudley, our boy Eric started to go mad and was eventually imprisoned and dethroned by his own brother. Eep.
Onto the Archduke Charles of Austria, who actually stood a chance for a hot second, BUT, alas, he was Catholic so Protestant Lizzie and her councillors were a tad WARY about the match. She kept him on the hook for about a year before eventually binning him too. Francois, Duc d’Anjou, was another serious contender, the heir to french throne who sought her hand PERSISTENTLY. Worried that religious riots would occur as a result of the match, he didn’t make the cut either, but the pair were quite ~ close ~ she even supposedly called him frog as a pet name which is kinda cute.
Robert Devereux, the Earl of Essex, was 34 years younger than Lizzy (MEOW) and was the last serious contender for her hand. The pair were quite familiar (the dude did not like boundaries). He also was sent to quash the Irish rebellion, absolutely bungled it, signed a humiliating truce and was imprisoned for desertion. Not quite Prince Charming. Oh and THEN he made a proper bid for power years later and was executed for treason.
On a happier, more uplifting note, Queen Elizabeth I famously said that she had no need of a husband as she was married to England. What a damn VIBE.
Penelope, queen of Ithaca, regrettably made no such dramatic proclamation BUT her experience was actually quite similar to that of Queen Elizabeth. Both women batted away piles of proposals with remarkable amounts of character and inventiveness. Penelope’s situation had one key difference, she DID have a husband, she WAS married to Odysseus, the king of Ithaca, but he’d gone off to fight in the Trojan War and took his sweet time coming home (the war lasted ten years and it took him another ten to find his way back). In Penelope’s case, the suitors were all operating under the relatively fair assumption that Odysseus had died, making Penelope a widow and therefore fair game (oof). Penelope refused to believe Odysseus was dead and therefore refused to even consider taking a new husband but god these dudes were PERSISTENT (and also rude and invasive, it’s a whole thing, go read Emily Wilson’s translation of the Odyssey, it’s brilliant).
Penelope was a devious little minx and I mean that with the HIGHEST of compliments. I really feel like we don’t celebrate her sneakiness (aka CLEVERNESS) enough. First up, she plays the delay game, telling her suitors that she’s finally acquiesced, she will absolutely pick one of the motley bunch as soon as she finishes weaving the funeral shroud of her father in law, Laertes. Laertes wasn’t even dead yet but this was actually the normal/expected thing from one’s daughter in law so all the suitors were like fine, fiiiiiiiine, get to weaving and we can all touch base when you’re done. Penelope FLAWLESSLY wields male ignorance, playing the fellas like fiddles, because, of course, NONE OF THEM have any clue about weaving, especially how long it might take to weave a funeral shroud. Penelope, under the cover of NIGHT (how’s that for a callback), unpicks the shroud every night, delaying her decision-making, until one of her maids betrays her, spilling the tea to one of the suitors and BAM the jig is UP. The suitors don’t exactly love this (look, I get it, but also I hate the suitors and will defend Penelope until I am cold in the ground), and then they REALLY force her hand. She relents, saying fine, fiiiiiine whoever can string my husband’s bow can have me, are you happy now????
Now this BOW is ridiculously, RIDICULOUSLY hard to string. Odysseus must’ve been super jacked (love that for her) so Penelope issued this ultimatum relatively safe in the knowledge that none of the suitors will be able to string it and even if one of them can they’re probably quite strong (again, love that for her, and, again, what a MINX). Whatever way you slice it, this is another great move. If you’re familiar with the story you know what comes next; Odysseus has found his way back to Ithaca, disguises himself as a beggar with the help of the goddess Athena, enters the castle, strings his bow, slaughters all the suitors and he and Penelope ride off into the sunset (not really, he’s literally just gotten back home after two decades away, I can’t imagine the two of them ride off anywhere in a hurry). So… a happy ending? Kind of? Sort of? Idk. It’s a tricky one.
NOW, circling BACK to the original point made by Claire North at a bookstore a while back - isn’t this just the most fabulous parallel?? Two queens who couldn’t say yes just as they couldn’t say no. GOD I LOVE HISTORY.
I always forget that a key part of Penelope’s plan is banking on her husband being way more jacked than everyone else